The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters..

A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over..

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness. Then if you're not a good mixer you can always fall back on your own company..

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public..

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. '….

Show me the man who has enjoyed his schooldays and I will show you a bully and a bore..

The French are a logical people, which is one reason the English dislike them so intensely. The other is that they own France, a country which we hav….

If people take the trouble to cook, you should take the trouble to eat..

The ball is man's most disastrous invention, not excluding the wheel..

I have never willingly chased a ball..

There is little to compare with the thrill of standing next to the creature in the winner's enclosure avoiding his hooves and receiving the congratul….

If the critics were always right we should be in deep trouble..

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog..

I have little patience with anyone who is not self-satisfied. I am always pleased to see my friends, happy to be with my wife and family, but the hig….

We are articulate, but we are not particularly conversational. An Englishman won't talk for the sake of talking. He doesn't mind silence. But after t….

Beware of the conversationalist who adds "In other words.".

It is a great help for a man to be in love with himself. For an actor, however, it is absolutely essential..

Fat men get knocked over by buses no earlier, nor later, than thin men. And I, for one, have buried most of my thin friends..

A man who has his initials on his pyjamas must be uncertain of himself. Surely you should know who you are at bed time..

COUGHS. These are symptoms, not diseases. Take them to your doctor and he can give you something serious to worry about..

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness..