Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio..

When you have a great audience, you can just keep going and finding new things..

I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joi….

Death - to blink for an exceptionally long period of time..

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's bus….

It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go of….

Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary..

The human spirit is more powerful than any drug - and that is what needs to be nourished: with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things t….

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world..

There's no shame in failing. The only shame is not giving things your best shot..

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it..

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole.".

We used to be hunter-gatherers, now we're shopper-borrowers..

A place where we all go can't be bad..

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss Right Now.

I always wanted to play a big, black man, but that would cost too much make-up..

Even evangelicals realize that Pinocchio's father was a carpenter too. That's the old joke..

The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?.

You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something.

Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal..

My father retired to San Francisco, and I got a chance to know him and be around him. It's always been someplace where everything changed for the bet….