I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again..

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings..

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit..

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her,….

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home ear….

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good..

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks..

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I fi….

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest..

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias..

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower..

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire..

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them..

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar..

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth..

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt..

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year..

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one..

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too..

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio..