Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.