I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots..

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability..

It's something that's really fun to do. It's a family business..

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level..

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative..

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party..

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built t….

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill the….

I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar..

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to..

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I ….

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself..

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game..

Years ago, while I was watching a baseball game between the Baltimore Orioles and the Texas Rangers, I remember staring in awe at Cal Ripken. I reali….

We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back..

My goal is just to become a better comedian..

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered..

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers..

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range..