What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all..

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb..

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'.

Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you….

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!.

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'.

The Bible says gays arent natural. What, and a talking snake is?!.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you ….

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net..

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable..

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?.

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!"..

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he ….

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers..

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just plea….

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping..