"Tell me, doctor, " said the patient, "when I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now?" "That's because your fee….

Parents who wonder where the younger generation is going should remember where it came from..

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done..

A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in..

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day..

Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it..

Youth is when you think you'll live forever. Old age is when you wonder how you've lived so long..

The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor..

Life begins as a quest of the child for the man, and ends as a journey by the man to rediscover the child..

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame..

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair..

The brain is like a TV set; when it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound..

If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it..

When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood..

A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet..

The reason that so many of us cannot save money is because of our friends. They're always buying something we can't afford..

Crime in the cities is very discouraging. Apartment house dwellers have locks, bolts, chains and bars on their doors. It takes a tenant longer to get….

If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light..

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect..

Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you..

Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them..