Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row..

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years..

Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid..

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee..

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't ….

Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs..

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out..

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth..

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!.

Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad..

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to i….

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's ….

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the sam….

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the t….

You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food..

With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They….

How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows..

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change..