After all those years of doing a live, hour-and-a-half show every week, I've got nothing more I need to prove..

If you can't stand yourself, neither can anybody else!.

When I did comedy I made fun of myself. If there was a buffoon, I played the buffoon. And people looked at me and said, "Gee, that's like Uncle David….

The things I see now on TV and in movies are so outlandish. Kids doing rude things with pies! And the language that they use! It's being outrageous f….

The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone..

When I did comedy I made fun of myself. If there was a buffoon, I played the buffoon..

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one..

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end..

If I don't believe it, I don't care..

Everybody wants to have a goal - I gotta get to that goal, I gotta get to that goal, I gotta get to that goal. I can finally get to that goal. Then y….

If you listen to a language for 15 minutes, you know the rhythm and song..

Every language has its own music..

If you have no tragedy, you have no comedy. Crying and laughing are the same emotion. If you laugh too hard, you cry. And vice versa..

In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed..

Jazz is a beautiful woman whose older brother is a policeman..

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius..

People come up to me and they thank me: 'I thank you for the many, many hours of laughter.'.

A great NOW will be a great WAS! A bad NOW will always be a bad WAS, and all you can hope for is a Great GONNA BE!.