Our brains are like bonsai trees, growing around our private versions of reality..

In every woman's wardrobe, there are certain accessories that cannot be separated from their back stories..

I got out on the street and started crying the kind of hysterical tears made justifiable only by turning off one’s cell phone, putting it to the ear,….

Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there..

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who know where their high school yearbook is and those who do not..

Sometimes we don't know what we want until we don't get it..

If you have to ask someone to change, to tell you they love you, to bring wine to dinner, to call you when they land, you can't afford to be with the….

I think humor is the social use. You can put anything in it. I think - yes, I speak heavily in analogies - it is like putting the medicine in apple s….

I was diagnosed with a severe temporal spatial deficit, a learning disability that means I have zero spatial relations skills. It was official: I was….

I love to bake, so I made vanilla bean and blueberry muffins for sick hospital children. Just kidding! All of that is true except the sick children p….

My mother is a special education teacher but also an artist, and my father an advertising executive. They are about as wacky as you can get without b….

A pet store is a celebration of dogs' existence and an explosion of options. About cats, a pet store seems to say, 'Here, we couldn't think of anythi….

Kids across the country have grown up accepting the idea that no one can harm your family if at least one of its adult members is in the shower. No o….

I like to try to do a little work before I do anything in the morning, even if it's a paragraph..

I do want to get married. It's a nice idea. Though I think husbands are like tattoos--you should wait until you come across something you want on you….

I thought I was going to write fiction but I fell backwards into non-fiction. It started when I got locked out of two apartments in one day and I tol….

I used to think that nails-down-a-chalkboard was the worst sound in the world. Then I moved on to people-eating-cereal-on-the-phone. But only this we….

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information....my mother called me to set the table….

I thought I'd had another few decades before my noise complaint years..

I spent a lot of time waiting for things to happen to me, which is more or less as pathetic as it sounds..

Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?.