If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've go….

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity..

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt..

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money.….

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us..

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough..

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good..

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's..

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate..

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp..

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does..

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping..

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper un….

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorro….

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money..

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth..

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work..

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias..

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand..

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?.

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are..