Steve Martin

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

What I mean is that none of my talents had a - what's that great word - rubric. A singer, an actor, a dancer - there was nothing I could really say I was. The writing came much later. And, actually, thank God, because if I had said I'm a singer, I would really have just had one thing to do.

[her] mind blackens. The blackness is not a thought, but if it could be pressed into a thought, if a chemical from a dropper could be dripped onto it causing its color and essence to become visible, it would take the shape of this sentence: Why does no one want me?

No matter how many times people say it - 'Oh, I'm just writing this for myself' 'Oh, I'm just doing this for myself' - nobody's doing it for themselves! You're doing it for an audience. So whether I'm performing or writing a book or playing music, it's definitely to be put out there and to be received in some way, definitely.

I think when I was young, let's call it high school, and even before that, I just loved comedy, and I loved comedians. I grew up watching Laurel and Hardy. That's really a long time ago. I loved Jerry Lewis. I just loved comedians.

Anytime you look at anything that's considered artistic, there's a commercial world around it: the ballet, opera, any kind of music. It can't exist without it.

I never thought much about success early on. I only thought about being a comedian - or just being in show business, is really more accurate.

I never thought about success. I always thought about doing the job at hand. My goal was getting through the show that night.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

Relationships end, but they don't end your life.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

A joke that works is complete knowledge in a nanosecond.

I knew I could only play Cyrano if he were Americanized. I had no intention of writing the script myself. I was afraid of it. You're playing with fire when you tamper with a classic. So I went looking for a writer. But it was such a personal idea, and anyone I would give it to would make it his own. It's hard to ask Neil Simon to write your idea.

Bad psychoanalysis would say I enjoyed pleasing people, working really hard and pleasing people, which is probably related to my father in some way. But I really liked working hard. When I worked at Disneyland, I'd do 12 hours straight and go home thrilled.

I did stand-up comedy for 18 years. Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four years were spent in wild success. I was seeking comic originality, and fame fell on me as a byproduct. The course was more plodding than heroic.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

I was not naturally talented. I didn't sing, dance or act, though working around that minor detail made me inventive.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

I'm tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.