(On seeing a former lover for the first time in years) I thought I told you to wait in the car..

Say anything about me, darling, as long as it isn't boring..

Going down on a woman gives me a stiff neck, going down on a man gives me lockjaw and conventional sex gives me claustrophobia..

They aren't making mirrors like they use to..

All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive..

Too many of our countrymen rejoice in stupidity, look upon ignorance as a badge of honor. They condemn everything they don't understand..

Bette [Davis] and I are good friends. There's nothing I wouldn't say to her face - both of them..

If I were well behaved, I'd die of boredom..

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches..

They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum..

[To the critic who wrote a negative review:] I am sitting in the smallest room of the house. Your review is before me. Soon it will be behind me..

Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know - I've been using it for years..

I'm not childless, darling. I am childfree..

My father warned me about men and booze but he never said anything about women and cocaine..

I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom..

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once..

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it..

I've had a man and I've had a woman, and there's got to be something better..

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me..

In my lifetime I've been to bed with men, women, and odd pieces of furniture..

Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it..