I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me..

Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it..

I've had a man and I've had a woman, and there's got to be something better..

Say anything about me, darling, as long as it isn't boring..

They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum..

All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive..

[To the critic who wrote a negative review:] I am sitting in the smallest room of the house. Your review is before me. Soon it will be behind me..

Bette [Davis] and I are good friends. There's nothing I wouldn't say to her face - both of them..

In my lifetime I've been to bed with men, women, and odd pieces of furniture..

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches..

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once..

I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom..

(On seeing a former lover for the first time in years) I thought I told you to wait in the car..

Going down on a woman gives me a stiff neck, going down on a man gives me lockjaw and conventional sex gives me claustrophobia..

They aren't making mirrors like they use to..

Too many of our countrymen rejoice in stupidity, look upon ignorance as a badge of honor. They condemn everything they don't understand..

If I were well behaved, I'd die of boredom..

Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know - I've been using it for years..

I'm not childless, darling. I am childfree..

My father warned me about men and booze but he never said anything about women and cocaine..

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it..