I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor..

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?".

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it..

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness"..

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust..

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds..

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels..

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again..

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R..

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down..

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one..

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red..

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me.".

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze..

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my ….

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anyt….

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes..

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.".

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'.