You cant be satirical and not be offensive to somebody..

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up..

Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it..

Always predict the worst, and you'll be hailed as a prophet..

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years..

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!.

Irreverence is easy - whats hard is wit..

If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have b….

When correctly viewed, everything is lewd..

Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize..

Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down ? That's not my department..

The Army has carried the American... ideal to its logical conclusion... Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and co….

"Life is like a sewer - what you get out of it depends on what you put into it." It's always seemed to me that this is precisely the sort of dynamic,….

Plagiarize! Plagiarize, Let no one else's work evade your eyes, Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, So don't shade your eyes, But plagiarize, ….

As for language, almost everything goes now. That is not to say that verbal taboos have disappeared, but merely that they have shifted somewhat. In m….

I find enough mystery in mathematics to satisfy my spiritual needs. I think, for example, that pi is mysterious enough (don't get me started!) withou….

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it..

I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity..

Don't write naughty words on the wall if you can't spell!.

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away..

People are stupider than anybody..