You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A prema….

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivari….

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.".

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy..

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years..

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the f….

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay -….

A dyslexic man walks into a bra..

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before..

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Bli….

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'C….

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off..

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows..

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.".

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, th….

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'..