On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the….

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597..

I like writing a lot more than I used to. I used to find it scary but now I've got used to it once it gets going. I used to find it hard to start. Fe….

Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and on..

Of course I don't want to go to a cocktail party...If I wanted to stand around with a load of people I don't know eating bits of cold toast I can get….

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could ….

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers.

For years I was an undiagnosed anorexic, suffering from a little-known variant of the disease, where, freakishly, the appetite turns in on itself and….

I have stayed true to that first idea that people can have a day in their lives that is very important and if they can reconnect with that day, recon….

Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they fi….

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my eveni….

You know daytime television? You know what it's supposed to be for? It's to keep unemployed people happy. It's supposed to stop them running to the s….

If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron..

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' w….

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones..

Music is an element that should be part and parcel of every child's life via the education system..

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television..

Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that….

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder..

I haven't got a waist. I've just got a sort of place ... a bit like an unmarked level crossing..