Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.

No matter how much you screw up your own life by the wrong decisions that you make, it's never too late to do the right thing and change your ways an….

There’s a benefit to losing, you get to learn from your mistakes..

Aren't we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?.

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!.

I guess destiny isn't the path chosen for us, but the path we chose for ourselves..

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired..

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you..

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know.

No matter how much you screw up your life, you can fix it..

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world..

What’s the point of being bad when there’s nothing good to stop you?.

I often don't think a lot about the ramifications of anything I do..

It's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid..

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace..

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet..

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

Grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac..

If you ain't first, you're last!.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are..

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?.