Explore Quotes by Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?