Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand..

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?.

We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice..

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you..

If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check..

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once..

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm..

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem..

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens..

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans..

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government..

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings..

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing..

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons..

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door..

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm..

I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you..

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats..

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun..

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse..

Eighty percent of success is showing up..