In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete..

In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!.

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants….

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it..

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering..

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart..

If love is the treasure, laughter is the key..

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington..

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel O….

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in..

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!.

In America, you assassinate president. In Soviet Russia, president assassinate you!.

In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing..

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection..

I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good..

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland..

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list..

After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore..

In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drive you!.

Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds..

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter..