In America, you assassinate president. In Soviet Russia, president assassinate you!.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel O….

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!.

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington..

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it..

In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!.

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants….

In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing..

Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds..

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there..

In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drive you!.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection..

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete..

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list..

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in..

After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore..

I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter..

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering..

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland..

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart..

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter..