I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter 'Good morning, handsome' and my lips quiver as I stare at myow….

Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true..

I really don't give a care, I'm going to live for ever.

As a kid who wasn't into sports, at school I felt almost alienated at times, whereas in the theatre community there was this amazing sense of camarad….

It's not that I'm racist or anything, because I'm not, but I just don't think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon….

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter.

I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me..

First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did ….

I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a lo….

Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there..

It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know..

I love the holiday season, almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans..

I remember once I went to go see a movie, and in front of me in line there was a little boy who looked so eager to see it, like it was Christmas morn….

I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when ….

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog.

It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It's like denying the cure….

Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matte….

Of course killing people is 'wrong', but I think history shows that sometimes it serves the greater good..

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose ….

A lot of people say colonialism was 'evil' or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don't think it sh….

I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting aroun….