Dictum on television scripts: We don't want it good - we want it Tuesday.

- Denis Norden

If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players, where do all the audiences come from?

- Denis Norden

The comedians all finished their acts with a song. They would get a certain amount of money from the song publishers and would use that money to pay …

- Denis Norden

You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.

- Denis Norden

There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.

- Denis Norden

I defy anyone to get a decision that quickly these days.

- Denis Norden

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

- Denis Norden

I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

- Denis Norden

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have n…

- Denis Norden