If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't do…

- Paul Merton

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is…

- Paul Merton

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

- Paul Merton

It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making pe…

- Paul Merton

Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way.

- Paul Merton

At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraugh…

- Paul Merton

My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're…

- Paul Merton

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

- Paul Merton

The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear.

- Paul Merton