[I'm] more German than Irish.

- Bill Burr

We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be…

- Bill Burr

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not reall…

- Bill Burr

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.

- Bill Burr

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

- Bill Burr

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

- Bill Burr

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added p…

- Bill Burr

Deny your emotions and act like you have answers

- Bill Burr

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

- Bill Burr