For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'. - Jim Gaffigan
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
- Jim Gaffigan
The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning. - Jim Gaffigan
The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. T… - Jim Gaffigan
But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. T…
The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in? - Jim Gaffigan
The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house? - Jim Gaffigan
If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in wate… - Jim Gaffigan
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in wate…
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen. - Jim Gaffigan
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's … - Jim Gaffigan
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's …
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal. - Jim Gaffigan
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
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