I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

- Jackie Mason

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?

- Jackie Mason

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't…

- Jackie Mason

People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as ne…

- Jackie Mason

Predictions are preposterous.

- Jackie Mason

Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they…

- Jackie Mason

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them ever…

- Jackie Mason

A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people.

- Jackie Mason

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different…

- Jackie Mason