In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing.

- Yakov Smirnoff

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.

- Yakov Smirnoff

In America, your job determines your marks. In Soviet Russia, Marx determine your job!

- Yakov Smirnoff

Russian men have a saying: "Women are like buses..." That's it.

- Yakov Smirnoff

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

- Yakov Smirnoff

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants…

- Yakov Smirnoff

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

- Yakov Smirnoff

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel O…

- Yakov Smirnoff

Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.

- Yakov Smirnoff