Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

- Fred Allen

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.

- Fred Allen

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

- Fred Allen

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

- Fred Allen

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

- Fred Allen

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

- Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

- Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

- Fred Allen

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

- Fred Allen