Jesus was a pothead- long hair, beard, sandals, carpenter- do the math it all adds up. Living with twelve guys with no visible means of support.

- Ralphie May

As a man seeing someone, have a decision: You can be correct or you can be glad.

- Ralphie May

As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.

- Ralphie May

My father passed on one important piece of relationship advice before he died. He said son, in a relationship you can either be right or you can be …

- Ralphie May

Roses are red, violets are blue, so are my balls thanks to you.

- Ralphie May

If you want to be called a dwarf you must be in immediate possession of a battle axe cause otherwise your just a midget with an attitude.

- Ralphie May

I live in a very dangerous part of Los Angeles? it's called Los Angeles.

- Ralphie May