Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.

- Paul Neilan

If stealing a few saltshakers was wrong I didn't want to be right.

- Paul Neilan

at first I thought you were just using me" she said "I definitely am." I just wasn't sure for what. "Asshole!" she said, and punched me in the side. …

- Paul Neilan

It’s like someone who prays every night saying God’s a good listener. Just because you’re talking to us doesn’t mean we’re listening. With me and God…

- Paul Neilan

The world is your oyster... ...too bad you're allergic to shellfish.

- Paul Neilan

Cowardice, when done correctly, can be its own kind of bravery.

- Paul Neilan

I hate bananas. I just hate them. But I also think a banana suit is the funniest fruit costume a person can wear.

- Paul Neilan

In the long term everyone traffics in foregone conclusions, and in the short term they just get drunk. This is the way it has always been. Some half-…

- Paul Neilan

There comes a time in every man's life when he wakes up drunk on the toilet and begins to doubt the choices he has made. and when that time comes at …

- Paul Neilan