Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

- Brad Wilkerson

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it's often in huge tits, too.

- Brad Wilkerson

I bet that the best thing about being a hermaphrodite is that you always get to use the bathroom with the shortest line.

- Brad Wilkerson

As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is the…

- Brad Wilkerson

Sure, companies say they're sensitive to their employees' cultural heritages, but show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace made from the ears of y…

- Brad Wilkerson

They say that dog is man's best friend, and I think it's true. My dog does a lot of the same stuff my best friend does, like drool on my couch, mooch…

- Brad Wilkerson

Light up a spliff and hit the strip club.

- Brad Wilkerson

Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club.

- Brad Wilkerson

I recently read that Arnold Schwarzenegger collects Hummers. Now we know why Maria's face is frozen in that puckered position.

- Brad Wilkerson