I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought…

- Felipe Esparza

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was a…

- Felipe Esparza

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

- Felipe Esparza

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

- Felipe Esparza

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

- Felipe Esparza

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I lea…

- Felipe Esparza

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

- Felipe Esparza

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

- Felipe Esparza

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

- Felipe Esparza