My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

- Wendy Liebman

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

- Wendy Liebman

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

- Wendy Liebman

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

- Wendy Liebman

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

- Wendy Liebman

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

- Wendy Liebman

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

- Wendy Liebman

The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.

- Wendy Liebman

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail aski…

- Wendy Liebman