I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

- Jasper Carrott

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

- Jasper Carrott

Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.

- Jasper Carrott

Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles

- Jasper Carrott

I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.

- Jasper Carrott

I've always been sensible with my money. I can't say I'm a business genius.

- Jasper Carrott

There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.

- Jasper Carrott

I have a very happy marriage and friends who keep my feet on the ground. But looking for satisfaction in life is difficult. Maybe being happy is as s…

- Jasper Carrott

They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

- Jasper Carrott