I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

- Daniel Tosh

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

- Daniel Tosh

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

- Daniel Tosh

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

- Daniel Tosh

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

- Daniel Tosh

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten count…

- Daniel Tosh

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

- Daniel Tosh

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen be…

- Daniel Tosh

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a ki…

- Daniel Tosh