This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

- Art Buchwald

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

- Art Buchwald

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

- Art Buchwald

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and ma…

- Art Buchwald

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

- Art Buchwald

The best things in life aren't things.

- Art Buchwald

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

- Art Buchwald

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." Presi…

- Art Buchwald

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

- Art Buchwald