I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

- Tim Vine

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my …

- Tim Vine

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

- Tim Vine

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

- Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

- Tim Vine

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

- Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

- Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

- Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

- Tim Vine