This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. - Daniel Tosh
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
- Daniel Tosh
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! - Daniel Tosh
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. - Daniel Tosh
You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist. - Daniel Tosh
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.
There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten count… - Daniel Tosh
There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten count…
Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly. - Daniel Tosh
Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'. - Daniel Tosh
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. - Daniel Tosh
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen be… - Daniel Tosh
Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen be…
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