My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.

- Bill Kelly

Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them.

- Bill Kelly

For years I thought my father was a hunchback. Turns out he didn't know suspenders were adjustable.

- Bill Kelly

After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor.

- Bill Kelly