Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my …

- Tim Vine

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

- Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

- Tim Vine

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

- Tim Vine

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

- Tim Vine

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

- Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

- Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

- Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

- Tim Vine