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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.

Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald's Popular Quotes

This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and ma…

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The best things in life aren't things.

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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." Presi…

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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

- Art Buchwald
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