You know how Van Nuys got its name? Well, one day my little old Jewish mother was visiting me, and I took her to the top of the Hollywood Hills and h…

- Joey Bishop

A salesman called on my wife the other day and tried to sell her a freezer. You'll save a fortune on your food bills, he promised. I can't tell you h…

- Joey Bishop

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

- Joey Bishop

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.

- Joey Bishop

One time we were having dinner and some guy came by and took a potato off of Frank Sinatra's plate. And Frank said, “Hey pal, are you hungry?” The gu…

- Joey Bishop

The president of a TV network generously agreed to take his company's aptitude test, a test required of all the personnel. He did badly. As a result …

- Joey Bishop

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

- Joey Bishop

I don't consider success doing a show for 30 years; I'm sorry. To me, you're successful when you graduate from something. I did a series, I did a tal…

- Joey Bishop

You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.

- Joey Bishop