I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

- Eric Sykes

I'm proud of being a vaudevillian, the last of my line. A lot of people think my entertainment is candy-floss. Well, entertainment is too aggressive …

- Eric Sykes

Being deaf and partially blind means I don't really watch TV. I wouldn't know what to do with a remote control.

- Eric Sykes

I asked my publisher what would happen if he sold all the copies of my book he'd printed. He said 'I'll just print another ten'.

- Eric Sykes