I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.

- Judy Gold

Twelve years ago my mother gets her cataracts removed. So twelve years ago the doctor gives her these enormous sunglasses to wear to protect her eyes…

- Judy Gold

My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.

- Judy Gold

Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.

- Judy Gold

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

- Judy Gold

Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative.

- Judy Gold

The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

- Judy Gold

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

- Judy Gold

What if obese people couldn't get married?

- Judy Gold