I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house …

- Eugene Mirman

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

- Eugene Mirman

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let the…

- Eugene Mirman

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see t…

- Eugene Mirman

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, w…

- Eugene Mirman

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height t…

- Eugene Mirman

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

- Eugene Mirman

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

- Eugene Mirman

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

- Eugene Mirman