I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

- Laura Kightlinger

I want to be so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I'm dead.

- Laura Kightlinger

Anything can happen with a razor.

- Laura Kightlinger

[On living in New York City:] I'm oblivious to everything. I just don't notice anything. I sat in a coffee shop, drank half a cup of coffee before I …

- Laura Kightlinger

I'm still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

- Laura Kightlinger

The thing that amazes me about getting fired is that nobody ever has anything insightful to say about it. They always say the same thing. They always…

- Laura Kightlinger

It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn…

- Laura Kightlinger

I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy.

- Laura Kightlinger

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, o…

- Laura Kightlinger