On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.

- Bruce Lansky

My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.

- Bruce Lansky

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.

- Bruce Lansky

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?

- Bruce Lansky

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.

- Bruce Lansky

I don't think I'll live long enough to shoot my age. I'm lucky to shoot my weight.

- Bruce Lansky

When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!'

- Bruce Lansky

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.

- Bruce Lansky

The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother.

- Bruce Lansky