What does Everton chairman Bill Kenwright think he will get for £6m? Andy Johnson's trainers?

- Simon Jordan

Agents are nasty scum. They're evil and divisive and pointless. They only survive because the rest of the sport is so corrupt and because leading foo…

- Simon Jordan

I'm not going to drag it out or make a point, because points are pointless.

- Simon Jordan

Andrew is an integral part of the team and he is staying at my football club. The reality is I need him to score the goals that will get us promoted.

- Simon Jordan

I had an Aston Martin phone worth ?15,000 given to me as a present. I dropped it in a gin and tonic about 15 seconds after opening it.

- Simon Jordan

If I see another David Gold interview on the poor East End Jewish boy done good I'll impale myself on one of his dildos.

- Simon Jordan

I'm no respecter of tradition and I have no time for the Manchester Uniteds and Arsenals of this world. There's nothing to admire in these clubs. The…

- Simon Jordan

In retrospect, of course I regret calling them (Charlton fans) morons. Imbeciles would have been more appropriate.

- Simon Jordan

Even if I built a 50,000-seater stadium and bought Ronaldinho, there'd still be complaints about crap hotdogs.

- Simon Jordan